Common Cognitive Distortions In Relationships

Cognitive distortions are inflexible or irrational thought patterns. The mind uses them while processing information. They select information and the way it is processed. Then they produce a result of the process in the form of thoughts and feelings.

There are different types of cognitive distortions. We have all experienced them at some point in our lives. If you experience them from time to time, it is not a problem. However, if they occur frequently, they can cause psychological damage and interpersonal relationship problems. Cognitive distortions are a barrier to personal development.

They often affect couples. If these distortions begin to dominate our thoughts about living together, love or quarrel, the relationship may experience a crisis. This is why it is so important to identify cognitive distortions in your relationships.

Finding those who direct your thought patterns about your relationships is the key to becoming happier.

Overgeneralization is when one or two isolated incidents are enough to make a statement or a general rule about something. Here is an example of overgeneralization: if my partner forgets to buy something I asked for, I will not ask her next time, because “she always forgets everything I ask for”.

The problem with overgeneralization is that you become a judge who constantly issues ultimatums. It also forces our partner to act in a certain way; If a mistake means we always fail, why try to act differently?

There is a useful strategy for overcoming generalizations. Try to look for facts that run counter to the general rule. For example, if you think your partner forgets everything you ask for, try to find examples where she remembered everything you asked for.

It’s about training one’s capacity to question oneself. It allows you to process information in a more objective way. Then you will be able to reach a realistic and fair conclusion.

This distortion has to do with seeing experiences through a filter that exaggerates certain characteristics. When you first fall in love with someone, you will often become an extremist. You exaggerate the results of your first meetings. Sometimes a small detail turns into something amazing or a small mistake into a disaster.

We often see extremism in couples who are not used to arguing. It also occurs when the couple quarrels for the first time. The couple can not agree on anything and this disagreement becomes a big deal. They feel they will never get over it. Something small can seem like a barrier to the growth of the relationship.

Some examples of these cognitive distortions are “I can not stand him” or “it was a blatant lie, but it’s still awful that she lied to me.” One way to deal with extremism is to enrich our emotional vocabulary. We should find a balanced way of expressing ourselves.

This is when someone feels responsible for another person’s mood and behavior. Some examples are, “he’s in a bad mood at work because I did not text him before” or “I have been out with my friends all day and now that I’m home she ignores me.”

Personalization makes you feel excessive responsibility for the well-being of others. You feel that you control your partner’s emotions.

Here is a practical exercise to overcome personification. Draw a circle and divide the responsibility for what happened between all possible causes. It is important to stop looking at yourself as completely responsible for everything.

Negative stamps are to define your partner in a generally negative way. It is identifying negative traits in every aspect of your partner’s life. Some examples are, “he is selfish watching football when I talk to him”, “she is disrespectful because she always talks about herself” or “he is stupid because he does not understand what I am saying.”

This cognitive distortion can cause major problems in romantic relationships. According to psychologist John Gottman, it can be one of the problems that leads to breakup – contempt. If we label our partner negatively, we develop a negative image of him. It increases emotional anxiety and anger.

Emotional thinking is looking for external causes for what one feels. If we do not feel well, the situation is wrong and something or someone must be responsible.

In romantic relationships, a partner may be overwhelmed by his feelings. The person then makes decisions based entirely on these feelings. An example of emotional thinking is, “I’m sorry, I feel abandoned because she didn ‘t text all day.”

Making decisions based solely on emotions is not a good idea. Emotions are constantly changing and fleeting. It is not a good basis for decision. Romantic relationships need long-term continuity and devotion. You can not base this on temporary, emotional impulses.

We must be able to distinguish between our emotions and external stimuli. We must analyze the situation objectively. Strive to be a neutral spectator. Think about what advice you would give a friend in the same situation. This psychological distancing is good for dealing with emotional thinking.

Mind reading makes you respond defensively to what you think your partner is thinking. This specific cognitive distortion causes you to act based on speculation. You do not respond to information you actually have.

Here is an example of mind reading, “she said she does not mind staying home, but I know she’s angry.” Another is, “my partner congratulated me on my promotion, but I know he does not think I deserve it.”

Remember that you are often not sure what you are thinking or feeling. It is therefore impossible to know what another person is thinking. Even if you know someone well, it is extremely difficult to know exactly what they are thinking.

A phrase that can help you deal with mind reading is “ask before you guess.” Question yourself; Think about what you know about your partner and what you are guessing.

Understanding how the mind works is the first step toward overcoming its limitations. Work every day to combat these cognitive distortions. If you do, you will be the owner of your own thoughts. You will be free from prejudice and ready to enjoy the relationship to the fullest.