The Family’s Influence On Our Self-esteem

The creation of our self-esteem is driven (in part) by the family dynamics in which we have been trained. It is a legacy that leaves its influence on our self-esteem and is sometimes difficult to heal. Especially if it comes from a father or mother who has never loved themselves and who was not good at thinking about our needs or encouraging us.

There is no shortage of psychologists who say that in order to function in life, one must have a strong self-esteem. Regardless of whether we like it or not, there is “fuel” that gives us confidence and a feeling that we are good. But we all know that we often go through life without anything in this tank. Our levels are so low that it is almost impossible to restart our machine and overcome this problem.

The famous cultural anthropologist Margaret Mead explained something very important to us. She claims that the family is the first social group where our way of interacting determines who we are (or at least to a large extent). Our parents are the ones who have the commitment to fill our “tank” with enough nutrients. They should ensure that there is no lack of security, care and attention. They should give us that vital upbringing and drive that will help us go through this world and feel that we are valuable people.

But when it comes to the arduous creation of our self-esteem, we do not always have quality fuel. This leads us to try to discover who we are, and to try to repair that childhood that is missing in so many things.

The creation of our self-esteem begins in childhood. But does this mean that our character is completely determined by everything we have experienced in childhood and early youth? We should point out that the word “determinism” is dangerous and has deep undertones both in psychology and many other fields of science.

In psychology, everything that has happened in childhood has a great influence on our self-esteem, but it does not determine who we are completely. One thing we know about humans, and especially the brain, is that we have great flexibility and the ability for self-improvement. But despite this, we can not get away from the great importance that comes from our upbringing. The quality of our interaction with those who care about us is something very important. It provides us not only with food and nourishment, but also with an emotional legacy.

To dive deeper into these topics, we would like to recommend Dr. Ed Tronick and his writings. He is an expert in child development and professor of pediatrics at Harvard University. He argues that in order to promote good self-esteem in children, one must be emotionally connected to them. But in much of his research, he managed to show that even good parents do not understand their children 40% of the time.

Its findings may seem somewhat alarming to us, or we may consider them exaggerated. But Dr. Tronick points out something that should make us reflect. The reason why many parents are not 100% connected to the emotional needs of their children is that they also do not understand their own.

A parent who is full of stress, and unresolved emotional knots, will unknowingly send series of signals and information to the child. The child will thus absorb this information in his own life. In addition, if the parents do not have a high self-esteem, it will be difficult to maintain this in the child. If the child cannot feel this ground in the parent, it will not feel this security.

The creation of our self-esteem during childhood is mainly influenced by three factors. Physical appearance, our behavior and how we succeed in school. The way our parents handle these three dimensions can make us feel more secure and have a better self-esteem. If they do not do this, we can feel helpless, lonely and scared.

The most difficult part of all this is that we still see that many parents are immature when it comes to this aspect. They are not aware of the problem they are causing with their language and communication style. Just by listening to the conversations at the school gate, we can see how they, without even realizing it, pluck the wings of their child’s self-esteem feather after feather.

The use of comparisons and negative affirmations affects a child’s self-esteem in a terrible way. Telling a child that they are hopeless in math or that they will never be able to pass their exams is something that causes their self-esteem to collapse. Parents who do this do not notice emotional problems in their children, and they let them fall into the same abyss as they did when it comes to self-esteem.

It is true that the family has an influence on our self-esteem, but we must also understand that what happened in the past must not affect us for life. We have the power to stop being affected by having such a low self-esteem. It is in our hands to repair a childhood that has been full of shortcomings, to be able to give ourselves a maturity that others could not give us.

We must learn to create our own fuel, have our own influence on our self-esteem and to stop trying to see what others can offer us. We have to work on our self-esteem every day. There must be a desire to change, to be brave and to love ourselves. Regardless of our past, there is always time for change and to invest in our own self-esteem.