What Children With Divorced Parents Experience
Many parents believe that only they are directly affected by their separation. However, this is not true when children are in the picture. Some may not be aware of it, but young children are also affected by different parents: their quarrels, misunderstandings and everything else that comes with the breakup.
Many children do not know how to handle divorced parents; it is normal that they carry many doubts and need someone who with patience and understanding can clarify things for them.
It is no coincidence that many children with divorced parents have problems at school. Some come into contact with drugs and alcohol at a very young age or hijack communication to their families. Children suffer just as much or more because they stand by and watch as their first examples of relationships fall to pieces.
A separation does not have the same effect on a 6-year-old as a 2-year-old. Circumstances change and the level of maturity is very different. This is why the age of a child determines how much or how little it will be affected by different parents. One thing is important to keep in mind, and that is that these experiences in childhood will have an impact later in life.
Children under the age of two do not understand what a divorce is and its consequences. Nevertheless, they know that something is not right, or at least that something has changed. They notice their parents’ emotional changes and whether they are absent or not.
This absence is often translated into feelings of abandonment. The atmosphere surrounding these children does not offer the security they need, and it can have important psychological consequences.
Children between the ages of two and three are in a delicate phase. They are in the middle of their development. If the separation strongly affects the child, the consequences can be some form of delay in development. It can be a delay in the development of motor skills, difficulties with language or problems with potty training.
At this age, children do not understand what a separation is, but they know they want their parents to stay together. This picture becomes a dream for some children.
If the child is between three and five years old, he already knows – or at least has a sense of – what a divorce is and what it means. As a consequence, it will ask many questions. The problem is that it is often fed with lies in its eagerness to find answers.
The answers in question are not really logical and only heighten the feeling that the world has become an insecure place. These fears can, among other things, be expressed in a reluctance to be alone or a fear that the parents will abandon the child. This is why some children become possessive of one or both parents.
Children between the ages of six and twelve are much more empathetic and can even correctly imagine themselves in their parents’ shoes. With that said, it is not uncommon for them to continue to hope that they will stay together. Adults do it all the time, so why not children?
However, we must be careful at this age, because this type of disappointment (understanding that the parents will not be together) can have a significant emotional impact. The realization that the dream will not come true can actually have a greater impact than the separation itself.
Believing that the situation is temporary is very different compared to thinking of something as permanent. The changes that take place may be the same, but the emotional impact will not be.
From this point of view, we must remember that a child at this age, no matter how mature, is very far from being finished. There are processes that it will not understand, such as how two people who love each other decide not to be together. This feeling of living in a world governed by complex rules it does not understand can overwhelm the child.
At this age, children can, among other things, develop “confrontation strategies”: they can “learn” emotional abilities that they already had or pretend to be brave while hiding deep fear and pain. In the latter case, they learn not to express their feelings, which can affect them in their adult lives.
As we have seen, separations have different effects depending on the children’s ages. That is why it is important to listen to their doubts and clouds of worry, even though we feel broken and reluctant. We need to communicate with them and let them know that we love them and that they can trust us no matter what changes happen.
On the other hand, keep in mind that children sometimes blame themselves for separation. It is possible that they believe that their behavior is what drove the parents to divorce. Parents need to talk to their children and make them understand that they are not responsible or guilty of what is happening.
That is why it is very important to be clear about what is happening. It does no good to try to hide and hide what is happening because we think they will not understand the situation. Children understand much more than we (especially parents) think, and they need to know what is happening. Therefore, we must be clear, direct, honest and talk to them in a way that is appropriate for their age, so that they feel loved.
Many parents focus only on themselves and forget the feelings that their children may experience. It makes children feel abandoned and unappreciated. However, we can not avoid talking to them about something so important. Because even if we can not see it, they can develop wounds that only get worse with age if they are not taken care of.
