Co-dependent People Destroy Relationships And Self-esteem

Co-dependence is when we are so dependent on another person that it becomes an addiction, and this person in turn becomes dependent on us. This can occur in couples, but also in families, for example between mother and daughter. Whatever the circumstances, it is a fact that co-dependents ruin relationships.

It happens in relationships where one person feels a strong need for the other to even survive. We are talking about a psychological need that is strongly linked to our emotions.

From this point of view, this dependence goes beyond the desire to be with only one person; it has more to do with believing that the other person is vital and irreplaceable, and that he is connected to one’s well-being. The person’s presence in your life becomes an absolute necessity for you to be able to feel good. It is a need that must be met in every possible way for us to feel happy.

When it comes to co-dependence, it is not about one person being dependent on the other, but that both are dependent on each other, but in different ways.

It is an addiction where one partner’s happiness depends on the other partner being by his side and not abandoning him. However, his partner is in turn also addicted, but she is addicted to his addiction!

To make things clearer: the dependent person needs his partner, and co-dependent people have a need to protect him and help take care of the person’s well-being. Of course, it is true that it is extremely necessary to take care of our partner to keep the relationship afloat. However, this must be done altruistically, out of love for the person and not to approach an underlying addiction.

By looking after the other person’s safety, protecting him excessively and taking care of him as if the person does not have the capacity to take care of himself, co-dependent people seem to find strength, meaning and strengthening of their self-esteem.

This way of acting is like water that quenches the thirst of the co-addict. Their dynamics make the pieces of the puzzle fit perfectly and have a strengthening effect on the addiction.

Where is the end result of this dynamic? The co-dependent couple will never experience a healthy and satisfying relationship. Suffering and feeling emptiness become the main aspects of the relationship. In the rare cases where the relationship becomes lasting, both parties must suffer great discomfort in connection with the loss of their own identity.

Although the protective person may seem strong, this is not actually the case. The truth is that taking care of their partner is their only way to take care of their own self-esteem. Here is a summary of several symptoms of this phenomenon:

As we said before, co-dependent partners usually have low self-esteem, which they try to replace with a sense of usefulness. This usefulness comes from knowing that they are of value to another person, in this case a partner.

In many cases , this deficiency can begin to form in childhood, in dependencies within their main relationships early in life. In these relationships, they were rewarded every time they did something for someone else. From that point on, they learned that their value depends on what they do to contribute to others.

Because these individuals’ self-esteem depends on the other person needing them, they tend to use manipulation and control as a way to prevent the “victim” from escaping. To feel valuable and useful, the partner must continue to be dependent on them, and this can only be achieved through control.

Another common strategy for maintaining someone’s dependence on you is to undermine their self-esteem. If you make the other person feel worthless, he will be in need of someone to “save” him. Then, of course, the other person can sweep in and “save” him in a seemingly selfless and sacrificial way.

When they realize that the other person has engaged in some form of independent action, such as making a decision on their own, they panic. They then work feverishly to try to “restore” the situation to the way it was. Therefore, it is not uncommon for them to leave what they are doing to “help” the other person. In this way, they can maintain their superior position as the protector of the other.

They feel that they must constantly overlook their partner. In this way, they become obsessed and lose their own identity. They believe that the only way for them to achieve well-being is to take care of their partners. If they make a mistake when they do this, they have a very hard time forgiving themselves, and are filled with frustration.

The approval we receive from others is often a valuable source of information for monitoring our development. But when we base all our self-esteem on the information we receive, problems can arise. From this point of view , co-dependents have a great need for recognition, which they try to hide. And who better to provide immediate recognition than the addicted person?

Even though we know that the other person’s feelings do not belong to us, we can often feel responsible for how the person feels. We should not be surprised by this, because that is how we were brought up.

We have often heard phrases like “do not make dad angry”, “if you do, mom will be upset”. But this idea is much more common in co-dependent people. They think that the person is feeling good or bad because of how they have acted. As a result , these people often end up shouldering responsibilities that are not theirs. They also feel guilty about things that have nothing to do with them.

On the one hand, these people must feel useful and help their partner or someone else who is dependent on them. But when the other person opposes their ideas, they tend to try to give him feelings of guilt. This is a strategy to make him feel bad and change behavior.

“Everything I have done for you, and this is how you repay me” is a very common expression in these situations. “You do not know how much I sacrifice for you” or “I have given up everything to make you happy” are a few others. Can you identify with this in any way? While these situations may sound surprising, they are more common than we might think.

So if you feel like you’re part of a relationship like this, you need to analyze what’s going on. Give your self-esteem a chance and dare to experience a healthy relationship!

Bibliographic references

Mellody, P., Wells, A., Miller, K., Codependence: what it is, where it comes from, how it sabotages our lives. Learn to face it. Paidós Iberica. 2005.

Mazzarello, R., Study on codependency and its influence on psychosocial risk behaviors. University of Barcelona.